Returning to work post-baby (Part 3): My fears about returning to work

Dr Breanne Kunstler (BBiomedSci, BHealthSci, MPhysio, PhD).

This is the third post in a three-part series discussing my desire to return to work (see post 1 and 2). I explored my reasons for returning to work in my previous post. This post will explore the fears I have when it comes to returning to work and being able to ‘do it all’.

My fears

One third of Australian parents are worried or anxious about returning to work, with two thirds worrying about their wellbeing (Image 1).

Image 1: Findings from the National Working Families Report 2019 (credit: APLEN)

Based on those figures, it seems that lots of parents are apparently cool cucumbers about returning to work. I call bullshit and think that all parents would feel some worry about the transition. We’re parents, worrying is what we do best.

Image 2: No parent is this chilled during the transition back to work after parental leave, surely! (credit: VectorStock)

Here are some of the things I worry about when it comes to returning to work.

Worry #1: I’m taking the easy way out

There are days where Abby is especially cranky and I’d love to be able to close the door and go for a (long) walk and leave her to sort her shit out. But, alas, I must be a responsible parent and try hundreds of different things to make her happy again (thank god for boobs!). It’s times like these I’d love for someone else to take her off my hands, someone who looks like an early childhood educator who will have her from 6.30am to 6.30pm. This makes me wonder if I am giving up on the hard parts of being a mum and dropping Abby to care to escape gleefully to the office because it gives me some order, or just less dysfunction, and desired reprieve? I fear people will see me as a coward or taking the easy way out. Moreover, I fear seeing myself as a coward or taking the easy way out.

Worry #2: Struggling with ‘mum guilt’

The majority of working and stay-at-home mothers in an informal UK survey reported feeling guilty for one reason or another. I am currently feeling guilty for deciding that I’m going to force Abby to spend three days a week with perfect strangers (initially, at least), albeit highly qualified strangers with background checks, when she’s so young. This guilt is amplified by the fact that hubby also feels uncomfortable sending her to care so young. It feels like I’ve created this human only to then demote her to second most important compared to my job, abandoning her before she has even had the opportunity to learn who I am. Many women feel this kind of guilt, especially those who feel like they shouldn’t be so happy at work, as if raising children should be the only thing they need to live a fulfilled life.

Yikes, this is heavy stuff. Thank goodness for those who make fun of the whole guilt thing and make the Shitty Guilt Fairy look like an absolute bitch.

Image 3: Yep, that Shitty Guilt Fairy sucks (credit: hurrahforgin.com)

Worry #3: Not being able to do it all and do it well                        

I fear not being able to manage both my work and home life well, where both are negatively impacted by each other.

Home time, including being around for important events and milestone achievements, could be negatively impacted by needing to be at work and my attitudes towards work (we’ve all experienced shitty-day crankiness). Needing to be at work was reported as responsible for 50% of Australian families missing family activities in 2019. Two thirds of Australian working parents also reported feeling too drained to contribute to their family when they get home from work. How am I going to function well at home when work is busy? Will I be able to spend quality time with my family when I just want to go straight to bed or binge watch Keeping Up With The Kardashians?

Image 4: Don't judge me, we all have our binge-y weaknesses (credit: betterafter50.com)

Work could be negatively impacted by home stressors too. These stressors might emerge when Abby is sick, is going through a growth spurt and keeps me up all night or when I feel general fatigue associated with being a mother and wife. Half of Australian working parents report ‘significant fatigue’ upon returning to work. How am I going to function well at work when home is busy? Will I be able to perform well at work when I just want to crawl under my desk and disappear?

Two thirds of Australian parents and carers reported that looking after their physical and mental wellbeing is their most challenging issue when balancing work and family (Image 1). Strategies used by women to maintain their own wellbeing when successfully returning to work can include: asking for and receiving help from those close to them, being organised and self-disciplined, and making time for themselves. I love going to the gym before work, that’s my ‘me time’. Am I still going to be able to do this? If not, I fear that my physical and mental wellbeing will suffer.

Worry #4: Missing out on the fun stuff

I fear missing out on seeing Abby happy and growing up. Although, upon reflection, I really think this fear is stupid. I am not moving to the other side of the world and leaving her behind. I’m going to work for approximately 24 hours a week. I will have another 144 hours to see her happy, especially at 2am when she wakes me up seemingly just to ‘hang out’. Also, even if I am with her every day, I’m still going to miss out on firsts. How can we ever be sure that the first time we see our child do something, like rolling, is indeed the first time they have done it? I always find Abby is in a different position in the cot every morning, so maybe she’s rolling herself over there? Maybe she’s doing cartwheels? The point is that I’m not going to get myself worked up over missing out on potential firsts.

Image 5: We can do fun stuff when I'm at home, even if Abby doesn't think it's fun.

Despite my fears, I know it will all be OK

I have resilience on my side

I need to remember how resilient I am. I have successfully completed a PhD in 2.5 years (people don’t usually finish in less than 3 years) (Image 6), have run 6 marathons (Image 7) and have ridden my bike from Melbourne to Sydney to raise money for Multiple Sclerosis research. I have handled difficult things in the past and I will handle them again. I hope that my daughter is just as resilient and adaptable. Maybe me returning to work will help her to develop this trait? After all, children of working mothers have been found to be more likely to have a more successful career.

Image 6: Graduating from my PhD was one of my biggest achievements.

Image 7: I love challenging myself. My mum was there to run with me across the finish line at the Melbourne Marathon one year.

I am not abandoning my child

Abby is only in care 3 days per week, so I am not abandoning her, nor am I disappearing for long periods of time. She is not expected to experience behavioural issues by being in care, she might even benefit socially and educationally by being exposed to other people and environments (both now and when she’s older). Could I even be doing Abby a favour by having her in care for part of the week?

I have great employers

I have employers that support me by providing several benefits that facilitate mothers to return to work. This includes having access to flexible work times, teleconferencing, breastfeeding-friendly supports and policies, and the ability to work from home. The people I work with, and for, also value family as an important component of employee wellbeing. They have families themselves and take time from work to be with them, so they would understand if I need to take time off to look after my family. These are all well-established strategies that help women succeed in their career upon returning to work. I intentionally decided to work for employers like this partly for these reasons.

Abby will be receiving high-quality care

I have access to local, high-quality childcare that we can afford. I also have a supportive partner who can do the morning drop-offs, while I will do the evening pick-ups. Hubby has spoken about being a stay-at-home dad for at least a short while this year because his employer has provisions for this, but this might be tricky while his career is progressing at the rate it is. It seems stay-at-home dads are really rare in Australia, especially when the children are young compared to teenagers, only forming 4-5% of two-parent Australian families in 2016.

I might end up becoming a cool cucumber after all

I’m less likely to sweat the small stuff at work now that I’m a parent, not because I won’t care or won’t attempt to solve or prevent such problems, but because problems that previously appeared insurmountable or devastating become nothing compared to problems like extreme sleep deprivation due to tending to a newborn or sick child. Also, becoming a parent will strengthen my transferable skills, like problem solving and interpersonal skills, that are valuable in any workplace. So, parenting might indeed benefit my career. 

Final reflections

I am due to return to work in two weeks. I am actually feeling really good about it now that I have examined the situation and put my words down on (digital) paper in this series of blog posts (see post 1 and 2). Thank you for reading and I hope that my reflections have given you plenty to think about or have assisted you in exploring your own reflections on balancing parenting and work. Feel free to share your own fears in the comments!